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The older I get
The truer it is
It’s the people you love, not the money and stuff
That makes you rich
-Alan Jackson, The Older I Get
Having close, positive relationships is crucial to health and happiness in retirement. This applies to relationships with your spouse as well as relationships with your other family members and friends. Fortunately, having good relationships is a learnable skill.
Alexandra Stockwell, M.D., a retired family physician turned relationship coach, suggests that the quality of our relationships can steadily improve as we age, just as our financial net worth and general knowledge are greater in our 60s than in our 20s.
Retirement changes many aspects of your life, from your self-identity to your morning routine. It can also change your and your spouse’s roles in your marriage. This can particularly happen if one spouse retires earlier than the other [LINK TO WHEN ONE SPOUSE RETIRES EARLIER POST]. Perhaps you were the main breadwinner, while your spouse took care of the home and the kids; after retirement, now you and your spouse share the duties of washing the dishes and sweeping the floor.
There are also physiological and mental changes that occur to each of us as we get older. These changes can also affect your relationship with your spouse, even if you’ve been together a long time.
Happy Marriage
Unfortunately, the divorce rate for Americans over 55 has doubled since 1990 and tripled for Americans over 65. More than 30% of divorces are among couples aged 50 and over. One in 10 divorces are among couples aged 65 and over.
Lee Baucom, Ph.D., a marriage and life coach, finds too many couples put their relationship with each other on the back burner during the years they are raising kids, navigating their careers, and taking care of the home. But then, by the time they retire and spend more time together, they find they have grown apart, are disconnected, and have lost sight of each other.
Common Marriage Issues for Retirees
Here are some other issues that can cause marital conflict in retirement:
Differing expectations
Sometimes, couples have different expectations about who will do what around the home after retirement. A spouse who had been the primary breadwinner may unconsciously expect the other spouse to continue doing most of the house chores after retirement. Other couples may have different ideas about what they will do in retirement. One spouse may expect the couple to be together most of the time, while the other prefers regular get-togethers with his or her friends.
Each spouse may have their vision of retirement but may not always be good at expressing it. This can lead to conflicts.
Couples can discuss their expectations about retirement and how their lives will change. This includes sharing their ideas about their day-to-day life in retirement and their respective roles. This conversation continues throughout retirement.
Finances
Money is a very common flashpoint for couples. It can become more sensitive after retirement, and there are no longer regular paychecks. Couples may disagree about their retirement budget and where to place their assets. A spouse accustomed to saving may have difficulty spending on new experiences and hobbies.
Each spouse’s previous life experiences influence their attitudes toward spending and investing. Couples can share their viewpoints so each can understand the other’s position. If a couple cannot agree about retirement finances, a financial advisor may be able to help with creating a budget that appeals to both spouses.
Personal foibles
We each have habits and behaviors that others may find annoying. Maybe someone chews too loudly, while another leaves their clothes lying out instead of putting them away. These small irritants can become magnified when you and your spouse are together all the time. Though seemingly small, they can eventually become big points of aggravation.
Communication helps in this area as well. Couples can discuss their thoughts and feelings, and each might agree to change some behaviors in exchange for corresponding changes by the other.
How to Overcome These Issues
How can couples prevent and overcome this? Dr. Baucom offers some suggestions:
Prioritize Your Relationship
Make connecting with your spouse a priority. There are three ways to connect:
- Physically: touching, hugging, holding hands
- Emotionally: showing interest in your spouse, taking interest in what interests them, giving them attention, and acknowledging them
- Spiritually: sharing your values and beliefs, including what you want your retirement to be
Change Yourself
Each spouse should try to change themselves in ways that foster a closer connection. Your spouse and your relationship have changed over the years, and you will want to adjust accordingly, in positive ways.
Think of Yourself and Your Spouse as a Team
Even if you and your spouse have different roles, for example, one is working outside the home while the other takes care of the family, keep thinking of the marriage as a cooperation, not a competition.
One spouse can take the initiative to start bringing the relationship closer. People are designed for connection, so once a relationship is reignited, it can grow back quickly. In some cases, relationship coaching can be helpful. Many couples grow apart and then come back together. Some even divorce and then remarry each other.
Like good health or career success, quality relationships take conscious effort. A decades-long Harvard study finds positive relationships make us happier, and healthier, and help us live longer. This applies to happiness in retirement as well. Most people’s primary relationship is with their spouse, so a quality marital relationship is well worth the effort.
In this video, Dr. Baucom describes how to develop intimacy in your marriage.
Maintaining Social Connections in Retirement
While your spouse is your single most important social connection, it’s helpful to have connections with others as well. Keeping connections with friends and family rounds out your life and can give you a more enriched retirement. It can also open you to a variety of experiences that you can share with your spouse.
Here are some ways you can maintain social connections in retirement and make new ones.
Volunteering
Volunteering is very popular among older adults. Through volunteering, you help yourself physically and mentally, give back to your community, and make new social contacts.
Part-time Employment
Many retirees also choose part-time employment [LINK TO PART-TIME EMPLOYMENT POST]. Part-time employment enables you to stay productive and engaged while also giving you daily interactions with your coworkers. This can be particularly rewarding if your workplace has other employees around the same age. It also adds positive structure and routine to your life.
Hobby Groups and Clubs
There are many hobbies you can choose from, ranging from swimming to poetry reading to card games. Enjoying a fulfilling hobby in the company of like-minded people is a good way to make new friends.
Although seeking friendships among people your own age is healthy and natural, you might also consider cultivating some friendships with younger generations. George Vaillant, director of a landmark study of adult development at Harvard, says, “Learning to gain younger friends as we lose older ones adds more to life’s enjoyment than retirement income.” Making friends among younger people gives us opportunities to experience new things we might not otherwise, while younger people are often attracted to the knowledge and life experiences of older adults.
Relationship with Grown Children
After retirement, many people desire to visit their children and grandchildren more often. Many retirees move to be closer to their children or other close relatives. However, as with your spouse, the relationship can sometimes be strained. There may be personality differences or baggage from past relationship problems. There may also be difficulties related to lifestyle or financial choices the child or the parent made.
Karen Midyet, a clinical psychologist with 45 years of experience in counseling and mental health, offers some suggestions to avoid or alleviate tension with adult children:
Be supportive. As a parent, you always want to support your children, even if they’re grown now. But also let them support you when needed. Mutual support can improve the trust and relationship on both sides.
Agree to disagree. Accept that your children are adults now and making their own choices. You may have differences of opinion, but respecting each other’s viewpoints will strengthen the bond. Your role is that of advisor, mentor, and older friend. It’s time to congratulate yourself for raising self-sufficient and high-functioning children.
Establish and respect boundaries. Boundaries are crucial for a successful relationship. Both you and your children can benefit from boundaries from things like unannounced visits and unsolicited advice. Although you may have retired, your children have busy work and kids’ schedules. Your children should also respect your time and schedule. Simple responses like “I’d love to, but am busy today. How about tomorrow or next week?” will work well.
Dr. Kathy McCoy, a psychotherapist and author, suggests setting boundaries, if appropriate, when you speak with your kids. For example, if you sense your adult child becoming impatient when you talk for more than a few minutes, set a five-minute limit to the conversation yourself and stick to it. A busy adult child may be more receptive to speaking on the phone more often when there are time limits.
Setting boundaries can also apply to giving help. What if your children expect continuing help, such as financial help or help taking care of their kids? Repeatedly bailing children out, especially if you cannot afford to, isn’t the basis for a healthy relationship. Healthy adult relationships depend on our ability to say “no” sometimes.
Communication is important in relationships with your children. Take the initiative to address issues in the relationship. Admit any mistakes that were made in the past and move on. Don’t rehash old issues; being defensive or guilty now isn’t helpful. Instead, focus on listening instead of talking, keep an open mind, and be willing to change your viewpoints.
Dr. McCoy offers some additional suggestions:
Be positive and work on being a person your children genuinely want to spend time with. Show appreciation to your children for including you in their lives and keeping in touch. Most people prefer to speak with someone who is joyful and present in the moment than someone who lectures or guilt-trips about not spending more time together.
Use time-saving means to keep in touch, like texting and social media. Although not a substitute for phone and in-person contact, these are ways to maintain a warm connection.
Don’t expect your child to be your best friend. Some things are best discussed with friends your age or with professional counselors. Filling your life with hobbies, interests, and friends can help ensure your happiness doesn’t depend entirely on your children.
This video describes common mistakes parents make with their adult children: